First Grade

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“Don’t cry,” my mother tells me. I am in first grade, with a pretty knapsack and a lunch she packed me, and first grade always made me cry. “But I want to stay with you.” It was, to my five-year-old self, the most dramatic thing that I had to spend the whole day away from her, and I didn’t understand it. “You’ll be home soon.” -- “Don’t cry,” my mother tells me. It’s a habit that, as a twenty-something year old woman, I pretend I had grown out of. I’m sitting on her couch writing poetry – a piece from San Francisco that would one day become a friend’s housewarming present – and airplanes always made me cry. “I’ll just miss you, that’s all.” “You’ll be home in a few months.” None of us could have predicted a fucking pandemic that had probably already started, or known the next time I’d come back would be almost two years later. -- “I told you not to cry,” but I know she is also crying. She has stage four colorectal cancer, and we both wrote a piece with the exact sam...
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To New Beginnings

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I found this quite by accident. It is a post titled All Beginnings are Hard, that I wrote in some dazed state in my first two weeks in this city.

π‘†π‘œπ‘šπ‘’π‘‘π‘–π‘šπ‘’π‘  π‘π‘’π‘œπ‘π‘™π‘’ π‘ π‘Žπ‘¦ 𝑒π‘₯π‘Žπ‘π‘‘π‘™π‘¦ π‘€β„Žπ‘Žπ‘‘ π‘¦π‘œπ‘’ 𝑛𝑒𝑒𝑑 π‘‘π‘œ β„Žπ‘’π‘Žπ‘Ÿ.

π‘†π‘œπ‘šπ‘’π‘‘π‘–π‘šπ‘’π‘  𝑖𝑑’𝑠 β„Žπ‘Žπ‘Ÿπ‘‘ π‘‘π‘œ 𝑏𝑒 π‘Žπ‘’π‘‘β„Žπ‘’π‘›π‘‘π‘–π‘, π‘“π‘œπ‘Ÿ π‘“π‘’π‘Žπ‘Ÿ π‘œπ‘“ π‘π‘œπ‘šπ‘–π‘›π‘” π‘œπ‘“π‘“ π‘Žπ‘  π‘ π‘œπ‘šπ‘’π‘‘β„Žπ‘–π‘›π‘” π‘œπ‘“ π‘Ž π‘™π‘’π‘›π‘Žπ‘‘π‘–π‘ 𝑖𝑛 π‘“π‘Ÿπ‘œπ‘›π‘‘ π‘œπ‘“ π‘Ž π‘”π‘Ÿπ‘œπ‘’π‘ π‘œπ‘“ π‘ π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘Žπ‘›π‘”π‘’π‘Ÿπ‘ . π‘Šβ„Žπ‘¦ 𝑑𝑖𝑑 𝐼 π‘β„Žπ‘œπ‘œπ‘ π‘’ π‘ƒβ„Žπ‘–π‘™π‘Žπ‘‘π‘’π‘™π‘β„Žπ‘–π‘Ž? π‘‡π‘œ π‘‘β„Žπ‘’ 𝑠𝑑𝑒𝑑𝑒𝑛𝑑𝑠 π‘Žπ‘‘ 𝑃𝑒𝑛𝑛, π‘‘π‘œ π‘‘β„Žπ‘’ π‘šπ‘’π‘‘π‘–π‘π‘Žπ‘™ π‘Ÿπ‘’π‘ π‘’π‘Žπ‘Ÿπ‘β„Žπ‘’π‘Ÿ, π‘‘π‘œ π‘‘β„Žπ‘’ π‘“π‘œπ‘™π‘˜π‘  π‘‘β„Žπ‘Žπ‘‘ π‘šπ‘œπ‘£π‘’π‘‘ π‘“π‘œπ‘Ÿ π‘—π‘œπ‘π‘ , 𝐼 𝑓𝑒𝑒𝑙 π‘™π‘–π‘˜π‘’ 𝐼 𝑛𝑒𝑒𝑑 π‘Ž π‘Ÿπ‘’π‘Žπ‘ π‘œπ‘› π‘π‘œπ‘Ÿπ‘‘π‘’π‘Ÿπ‘–π‘›π‘” π‘œπ‘› π‘™π‘œπ‘”π‘–π‘π‘Žπ‘™. π‘Šβ„Žπ‘¦ β„Žπ‘’π‘Ÿπ‘’? π‘‡β„Žπ‘’ π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘’π‘‘β„Ž 𝑖𝑠 𝐼 β„Žπ‘Žπ‘‘ π‘Ž π‘šπ‘Žπ‘ π‘œπ‘“ π‘‘β„Žπ‘’ π‘ˆπ‘›π‘–π‘‘π‘’π‘‘ π‘†π‘‘π‘Žπ‘‘π‘’π‘ , π‘Žπ‘›π‘‘ 𝐼 π‘›π‘Žπ‘Ÿπ‘Ÿπ‘œπ‘€π‘’π‘‘ π‘‘π‘œπ‘€π‘›. π‘‡β„Žπ‘’ π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘’π‘‘β„Ž 𝑖𝑠 𝐼’π‘š π‘™π‘œπ‘œπ‘˜π‘–π‘›π‘” π‘“π‘œπ‘Ÿ π‘Ž β„Žπ‘œπ‘’π‘ π‘’ 𝐼 π‘ π‘Žπ‘€ 𝑖𝑛 π‘Ž π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘’π‘Žπ‘š, 𝐼’π‘š π‘™π‘œπ‘œπ‘˜π‘–π‘›π‘” π‘“π‘œπ‘Ÿ π‘π‘œπ‘›π‘›π‘’π‘π‘‘π‘–π‘œπ‘› π‘Žπ‘›π‘‘ π‘ π‘œ 𝐼 β„Žπ‘Žπ‘‘ π‘‘π‘œ π‘β„Žπ‘œπ‘œπ‘ π‘’ π‘Ž 𝑐𝑖𝑑𝑦 π‘€β„Žπ‘’π‘Ÿπ‘’ 𝐼 𝑑𝑖𝑑 π‘›π‘œπ‘‘ π‘˜π‘›π‘œπ‘€ π‘Žπ‘›π‘¦π‘œπ‘›π‘’. π‘†π‘‘π‘Žπ‘Ÿπ‘‘ π‘œπ‘£π‘’π‘Ÿ π‘œπ‘› π‘šπ‘¦ π‘œπ‘€π‘› π‘‘π‘’π‘Ÿπ‘šπ‘ .

𝐴𝑙𝑙 𝑏𝑒𝑔𝑖𝑛𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑠 π‘Žπ‘Ÿπ‘’ β„Žπ‘Žπ‘Ÿπ‘‘. 𝐼𝑑 π‘€π‘Žπ‘  π‘Ž π‘ π‘π‘’π‘’π‘β„Ž 𝑖𝑛 π‘Ž π‘π‘Ÿπ‘œπ‘€π‘‘π‘’π‘‘ π‘ β„Žπ‘’π‘™ 𝑔𝑖𝑣𝑒𝑛 𝑏𝑦 π‘Ž π‘ π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘Žπ‘›π‘”π‘’π‘Ÿ π‘œπ‘› π‘šπ‘¦ π‘‘β„Žπ‘–π‘Ÿπ‘‘ π‘‘π‘Žπ‘¦ 𝑖𝑛 π‘‘π‘œπ‘€π‘›. 𝑂𝑛 π‘šπ‘¦ π‘π‘–π‘Ÿπ‘‘β„Žπ‘‘π‘Žπ‘¦. π‘Šβ„Žπ‘’π‘› 𝐼’𝑑 π‘ π‘˜π‘–π‘π‘π‘’π‘‘ π‘‘π‘–π‘šπ‘’ π‘§π‘œπ‘›π‘’π‘  π‘Žπ‘™π‘™ π‘€π‘’π‘’π‘˜, π‘Žπ‘‘π‘’ π‘šπ‘¦ π‘‘π‘–π‘›π‘›π‘’π‘Ÿπ‘  π‘“π‘Ÿπ‘œπ‘š π‘Ž π‘π‘Žπ‘”. π‘Šβ„Žπ‘’π‘› 𝑖𝑑 π‘€π‘Žπ‘  π‘“π‘–π‘›π‘Žπ‘™π‘™π‘¦ π‘ π‘œ π‘ π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘Žπ‘›π‘”π‘’ π‘‘π‘œ 𝑏𝑒 π‘ π‘’π‘Ÿπ‘Ÿπ‘œπ‘’π‘›π‘‘π‘’π‘‘ 𝑏𝑦 π‘ π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘Žπ‘›π‘”π‘’π‘Ÿπ‘ . 𝐴𝑙𝑙 𝑏𝑒𝑔𝑖𝑛𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑠 π‘Žπ‘Ÿπ‘’ β„Žπ‘Žπ‘Ÿπ‘‘.

𝐼 π‘€π‘Žπ‘›π‘‘ π‘‘π‘œ 𝑑𝑒𝑙𝑙 π‘‘β„Žπ‘’π‘š π‘Žπ‘™π‘™ π‘‘β„Žπ‘’ 𝑠𝑖𝑔𝑛𝑠. π΄π‘π‘œπ‘’π‘‘ π‘Ž π‘ π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘’π‘’π‘‘. π΄π‘π‘œπ‘’π‘‘ π‘Ž π‘›π‘Žπ‘šπ‘’. 𝑃𝑖𝑛 π‘Ž π‘šπ‘Žπ‘ π‘‘π‘œ π‘‘β„Žπ‘’ π‘‘π‘Žπ‘Ÿπ‘‘π‘π‘œπ‘Žπ‘Ÿπ‘‘ π‘Žπ‘›π‘‘ π‘ β„Žπ‘œπ‘œπ‘‘ π‘›π‘œπ‘Ÿπ‘‘β„Ž π‘œπ‘“ 𝑇𝑒π‘₯π‘Žπ‘ . 𝐼 π‘€π‘Žπ‘›π‘‘ π‘‘π‘œ 𝑑𝑒𝑙𝑙 π‘‘β„Žπ‘’π‘š, π‘Žπ‘›π‘‘ 𝑦𝑒𝑑 π‘›π‘œπ‘‘ 𝑏𝑒 𝑑𝑒𝑓𝑖𝑛𝑒𝑑 𝑏𝑦 π‘‘β„Žπ‘’π‘ π‘’ π‘‘β„Žπ‘–π‘›π‘”π‘ . π‘†π‘‘π‘Žπ‘Ÿπ‘‘ π‘œπ‘£π‘’π‘Ÿ. 𝐴 π‘π‘™π‘’π‘Žπ‘› π‘ π‘™π‘Žπ‘‘π‘’. π‘†π‘œπ‘šπ‘’β„Žπ‘œπ‘€ π‘‘π‘œ 𝑏𝑒𝑔𝑖𝑛 π‘“π‘Ÿπ‘’π‘ β„Ž 𝑦𝑒𝑑 π‘ π‘‘π‘Žπ‘¦ π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘’π‘’ π‘‘π‘œ π‘šπ‘¦ β„Žπ‘–π‘ π‘‘π‘œπ‘Ÿπ‘¦, 𝑔𝑒𝑖𝑑𝑒𝑑 𝑏𝑦 π‘šπ‘¦ π‘π‘Žπ‘ π‘‘, 𝑏𝑒𝑑 π‘›π‘œπ‘‘ 𝑑𝑒𝑓𝑖𝑛𝑒𝑑.

π‘‡π‘œ 𝑛𝑒𝑀 𝑏𝑒𝑔𝑖𝑛𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑠. 𝐴 π‘‘π‘œπ‘Žπ‘ π‘‘ 𝑖𝑛 π‘‘β„Žπ‘’ π‘˜π‘–π‘‘π‘β„Žπ‘’π‘› π‘œπ‘›π‘’ π‘€π‘’π‘’π‘˜ π‘“π‘Ÿπ‘œπ‘š π‘‘β„Žπ‘Žπ‘‘ π‘“π‘–π‘Ÿπ‘ π‘‘ π‘‘π‘Žπ‘¦. 𝐴 𝑙𝑖𝑑𝑑𝑙𝑒 π‘œπ‘£π‘’π‘Ÿπ‘€β„Žπ‘’π‘™π‘šπ‘’π‘‘, π‘Žπ‘™π‘Ÿπ‘’π‘Žπ‘‘π‘¦ π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘’π‘›π‘˜ π‘π‘’π‘“π‘œπ‘Ÿπ‘’ π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘–π‘›π‘˜π‘–π‘›π‘” π‘œπ‘› π‘‘β„Žπ‘’ π‘–π‘šπ‘π‘™π‘–π‘π‘Žπ‘‘π‘–π‘œπ‘›π‘  π‘œπ‘“ π‘šπ‘¦ 𝑛𝑒𝑀 𝑏𝑒𝑔𝑖𝑛𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔. 𝐸π‘₯π‘Žπ‘π‘‘π‘™π‘¦ π‘‘β„Žπ‘’ π‘€π‘œπ‘Ÿπ‘‘π‘  𝐼 𝑛𝑒𝑒𝑑𝑒𝑑.


π‘‡β„Žπ‘–π‘  β„Žπ‘œπ‘’π‘ π‘’ 𝑖𝑠 π‘Ž π‘π‘Ÿπ‘œπ‘ π‘ π‘Ÿπ‘œπ‘Žπ‘‘π‘ . π΄π‘Ÿπ‘’ π‘Žπ‘™π‘™ π‘šπ‘œπ‘šπ‘’π‘›π‘‘π‘  𝑖𝑛 π‘‘π‘–π‘šπ‘’ 𝑗𝑒𝑠𝑑 π‘Ž π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘Žπ‘›π‘ π‘–π‘‘π‘–π‘œπ‘›?
π‘‡π‘œ π‘šπ‘’, 𝑛𝑒𝑀 π‘‘π‘œ π‘‘β„Žπ‘–π‘  π‘€π‘œπ‘Ÿπ‘™π‘‘ π‘œπ‘“ π‘šπ‘Žπ‘Ÿπ‘π‘™π‘’ π‘π‘–π‘™π‘™π‘Žπ‘Ÿπ‘ , π‘Žπ‘’π‘‘π‘’π‘šπ‘› π‘™π‘’π‘Žπ‘£π‘’π‘  π‘Žπ‘›π‘‘ π‘Ÿπ‘’π‘‘-π‘π‘Žπ‘£π‘’π‘‘ π‘ π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘’π‘’π‘‘π‘ .
π‘‡π‘œ π‘‘β„Žπ‘’ π‘šπ‘Žπ‘› π‘€β„Žπ‘œ π‘ π‘‘π‘Žπ‘¦π‘  β„Žπ‘’π‘Ÿπ‘’ π‘œπ‘›π‘’ π‘›π‘–π‘”β„Žπ‘‘ π‘’π‘£π‘’π‘Ÿπ‘¦ π‘€π‘’π‘’π‘˜.
π‘‡π‘œ π‘‘β„Žπ‘’ π‘π‘œπ‘¦ π‘€β„Žπ‘œ π‘β„Žπ‘œπ‘ π‘’ β„Žπ‘–π‘  π‘œπ‘€π‘› β„Žπ‘œπ‘šπ‘’, π‘‘π‘Žπ‘Ÿπ‘’π‘‘ π‘‘π‘œ π‘π‘Žπ‘Ÿπ‘£π‘’ π‘œπ‘’π‘‘ β„Žπ‘–π‘  π‘œπ‘€π‘› π‘Ÿπ‘’π‘“π‘’π‘”π‘’ π‘π‘™π‘Žπ‘π‘’.
π‘‡β„Žπ‘’ 𝑏𝑒𝑠 π‘ π‘‘π‘œπ‘. 𝐴 π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘Žπ‘–π‘›. π‘…π‘Žπ‘–π‘›, π‘€β„Žπ‘’π‘› π‘¦π‘œπ‘’ 𝑠𝑒𝑒 π‘‘β„Žπ‘’ 𝑠𝑒𝑛 π‘”π‘™π‘–π‘šπ‘π‘ π‘’ π‘‘β„Žπ‘Ÿπ‘œπ‘’π‘”β„Ž π‘‘β„Žπ‘’ β„Žπ‘œπ‘Ÿπ‘–π‘§π‘œπ‘›. π‘†π‘’π‘Ÿπ‘Ÿπ‘œπ‘’π‘›π‘‘ π‘¦π‘œπ‘’π‘Ÿπ‘ π‘’π‘™π‘“ π‘€π‘–π‘‘β„Ž π‘ π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘Žπ‘›π‘”π‘’π‘Ÿπ‘  π‘œπ‘› π‘π‘Ÿπ‘–π‘”β„Žπ‘‘π‘™π‘¦ 𝑙𝑖𝑑 π‘ π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘’π‘’π‘‘π‘ . π‘‡β„Žπ‘–π‘  β„Žπ‘œπ‘’π‘ π‘’ 𝑖𝑠 π‘Ž π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘Žπ‘›π‘ π‘–π‘‘π‘–π‘œπ‘›.


πΏπ‘Žπ‘ π‘‘ π‘›π‘–π‘”β„Žπ‘‘ 𝐼 π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘’π‘Žπ‘šπ‘’π‘‘ π‘Žπ‘π‘œπ‘’π‘‘ π‘–π‘šπ‘π‘œπ‘ π‘–π‘›π‘” 𝑐𝑖𝑑𝑦 π‘ π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘’π‘’π‘‘π‘  π‘Žπ‘›π‘‘ π‘Žπ‘›π‘π‘–π‘’π‘›π‘‘ π‘ π‘‘π‘œπ‘›π‘’. 𝐼 π‘€π‘Žπ‘›π‘‘ π‘‘π‘œ π‘‘π‘Žπ‘˜π‘’ 𝑖𝑑 π‘Žπ‘™π‘™ 𝑖𝑛. 𝐡𝑒𝑖𝑛𝑔 π‘œπ‘› π‘šπ‘¦ π‘œπ‘€π‘›, π‘“π‘Žπ‘™π‘™ π‘π‘œπ‘™π‘œπ‘Ÿπ‘ , π‘‘β„Žπ‘’ π‘€π‘Žπ‘¦ π‘‘β„Žπ‘’ π‘ π‘’π‘Žπ‘ π‘œπ‘›π‘  π‘β„Žπ‘Žπ‘›π‘”π‘’. π‘Šπ‘Žπ‘™π‘˜π‘–π‘›π‘” π‘‘π‘œπ‘€π‘› π‘šπ‘¦ π‘ π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘’π‘’π‘‘, π‘‘β„Žπ‘’ π‘ π‘Žπ‘šπ‘’ π‘ π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘’π‘’π‘‘ π‘“π‘œπ‘Ÿ 𝑑𝑒𝑛 π‘¦π‘’π‘Žπ‘Ÿπ‘ , π‘‘π‘Ÿπ‘’π‘Žπ‘šπ‘–π‘›π‘” π‘œπ‘“ π‘Ž π‘€π‘Žπ‘¦ π‘œπ‘’π‘‘. 𝐼 π‘€π‘Žπ‘›π‘‘ π‘‘π‘œ 𝑓𝑒𝑒𝑙 𝑏𝑒𝑖𝑛𝑔 β„Žπ‘’π‘Ÿπ‘’. π‘€π‘Žπ‘Ÿπ‘£π‘’π‘™ π‘Žπ‘‘ π‘‘β„Žπ‘’ 𝑐𝑖𝑑𝑦. 𝐿𝑒𝑑 π‘‘β„Žπ‘’ π‘šπ‘Žπ‘Ÿπ‘£π‘’π‘™ π‘œπ‘“ 𝑖𝑑 π‘Žπ‘™π‘™ π‘›π‘’π‘£π‘’π‘Ÿ 𝑒𝑛𝑑.

And when we all pull out of this, it shall be this new again.

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